I truly am a failure

A short list of things I’ve failed miserably at:

Selling something on eBay.   Seriously, how are what appears to be a million individuals doing this?  I thought it was a decent light and the “buy it now price” was really good. I’d buy it… if I wasn’t already selling it.

Poaching an egg.   No one can do this at home.  No one.

Facial contouring with make-up.   I did try and follow the YouTube tutorial, but to be fair, my heart wasn’t in it.  I kept thinking about how crazy the Kardashians actually must look in person.  And then I went into a Google rabbit hole. Look up “celeb make-up up close” – it’s nuts

French braiding my hair.   Via a YouTube tutorial.   Again, not sure I blame YouTube. Maybe I’m just bad at hair? Though I wasn’t ready to give up on a cute new style.

French twisting my hair.  (aka a chignon if you’re feeling a little fancy).   Now I do blame YouTube.  And I’m definitely bad at hair. And I’m abandoning all hope of a cute style.

Getting upgraded to first class.   The internet claims this is easy. No one cared it was my honeymoon.  Or I was pregnant.  Or my husband is 6’4.

Finding anything interesting on Facebook in the last 3-4 years.   It’s just not there.

Finding anything I want to “create” on Pinterest ever.   Come on now with these boards.  No one does this.  Okay, maybe crazy brides.  But no one else.

Making it past the 2nd “meal” on a juice cleanse.

Making it past the 2nd day on a low carb diet.   Giving up carbs made me hate food and therefore hate life.

Making one new friend in my suburban neighborhood.   My next door neighbor who is most likely a hoarder who hasn’t mowed her lawn possibly ever does not count.  We’ve only really interacted when she banged on our door begging us to sign a petition against snow plows.  And that is not a true friendship.

Why have I failed at these things? The first 10 are obvious.  They are impossible for anyone who can’t dedicate literally their entire life to them.

The last one, the friendship – the jury’s still out, it’s a mystery.

Stay tuned…

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